i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
