First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
