Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Randomize
