i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
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