the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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