why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
