Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
