just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
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