Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
