ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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