I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
