you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
