He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
