she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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