sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
