My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
