did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
