I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
