When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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