please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
