the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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