it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
