I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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