so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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