Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
