It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
3pm strippers are depressing
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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