Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
