I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
