i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
