i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
