ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Randomize
