HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
