My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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