I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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