if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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