You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
