i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Randomize
