her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
