He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
