what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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