I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Randomize
