Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Randomize
