I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I still have a little drunk in my system
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Randomize
