I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
