I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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