I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
