if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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