Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
