I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
