No awkward lesbian experiences without me
why do cheetos always look like penises
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
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