I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
